When I turned 30, friends that had already reached the age told me it was all down hill from here. Whether they were miss informed is still to be determined, as I found my thirties to be a time of awakening and discovery. I began to build into the confident woman I like to think I am today. Sure, there were moments, but my 30s were amazing. So I will say that I was truly looking forward to my 40s. 

What the hell did I know?!

As I finish out year 42, and await my coming new year of 43, all I can say is…

Maybe I need to paint the scene for you. Describe the events so you might understand. Let me begin with my eyes opening in that hotel room of Port Townsend on my 40th birthday. I was excited, a day to be spent out searching the waters of the Sound for whales. I moved my legs off the bed and felt creaks and cracks that had never been present before. I ignored them and looked at my phone to see if any well wishes had been sent my way, only to discover that well wishes would not be the first to reach me, but instead a message from my semi-stalker telling me what an awful person I was. Not exactly how you’d like to start a new decade.

If that early awakening wasn’t enough, a week later I had to make the difficult decision to say good bye to my feline companion of 19 years, Sinatra. It was the best for her, but it would take me months to recover. In the midst of this, semi stalker went a bit more stalker like until one night he showed up outside my house late in the evening uninvited and proceeded to tell me how bad of a friend I was and when a neighbor thankfully walked by I took my safe exit, at which time he yelled, “You won’t have sex until your 70!” To which I responded, “Thank you” and walked quickly into my apartment and locked the door in terror thinking, “I said Thank you! What the hell was that.” I could go into more detail of events to follow, but lets just sum it up that I now think he may have been right on this statement, but at least I have something to look forward to—my 70s!

Right when everything seemed to be getting back on track, I found myself a little over a month away from my 41st birthday thinking, “They say this shut down will be a couple weeks, but it will probably be at least a month.” Little did I know (or any of us really) I’d be spending my days alone in my apartment for the next seven months, where at one point my phone informed me—“Your average screen time for the week was 16 hours.” Damn you Merge Dragons! Then to have to pack up my belongings and head across county to Tennessee to stay with the parents for another seven months before Oregon fully reopened and I knew I might be able to financially support myself again and get off of unemployment. By this point, I’m 42.

Back in Oregon, all seemed well. I got a new apartment, was making money again, and even got a new feline friend, Silverstein, who made my place feel like home. Sure he got pneumonia right when I got him, sure it took two months and $2,000 to get him through, but he was my Handsome Mr. Silverstein, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Three days ago, on our way to the vet for his wellness exam, and for me to check if he was healthy enough to get him a friend, I turned the corner two blocks from the vet and he howled in the car. As I said, “You’re ok Silverstein, we’re almost there.” He dropped and simply stopped breathing. 

I’ve been shaken by this. I’m confused. I have no idea, and will never know, what actually happened. Traumatized, because I can’t get the image of it happening out of my mind. Sad! Sad because he deserved longer, and oh how I miss him. Eight months was not enough time together. 

So yeah, a lot of shit has taken place in my early 40s. so far. So where exactly does the “beautiful” come in?

Here’s the thing, getting through each shitty moment knowing there are beautiful times to come is paramount to making any sense of the last few years. Making sure to put in the time and work to create those beautiful moments is vital to life. 

Here’s just a bit of the beauty I’ve found in my early 40s:

True friends are the ones that are willing to be with you when you’re sad and when you’re happy. They strive to build you up. They’re the ones that are willing to bring you a full English Tea birthday to your apartment when the state is dealing with a pandemic shutdown. When a person offers you a gift, recognize it is a gesture of kindness. Sometimes you learn more about yourself by accepting than refusing the offer, but trust your gut when you can tell someone means you harm. 

When life throws you lemons, you take those fine citrus fruits and travel the globe as much as you can. I highly recommend Prince Edward Island, Barcelona, and, who knew but, Arkansa! If you can, travel with family, travel with friends, but always be willing to discover new places on your own. And sometimes they most magical places are just steps away from your own home if you’re willing to look for them. And for God’s sake, try the custard ice cream! _{(You may not understand this, but my Mom and I do.)}

Trying out new hobbies you may actually find out you have multiple talents. And if by chance you’re not as talented as you’d like to be at said hobby, you at least will always be learning if you stick to it.

And grief? Well…, grief comes because of one thing—you loved something. And loving something is the most beautiful gift of all. 

…Here’s to wishing for more beauty in year 43, even if it means dealing with the shit!